Every now and then though a shadow from the past tries to burst our perfect, happy bubble.
It shouldn't bother me, i know. That shadow no longer holds us down, no longer has any control but it is so hard.
To those of you who have met me or know "of" me will know i am not mainstream. I am odd. I don't wear "normal" clothing, i have tattoos and piercings. My hair colour changes in a visual rainbow cacophony from blues to pinks to green and red. I have, in the past, tried to be like everyone else but i cant. It just isn't me. And since being here I have learnt that being ME is OK.
I was born and raised by guilt. Guilt about who i am and who i am not. What i should have done and what I actually did. I still live with the anxieties formed in my youth and although I am slowly learning that i can get rid of the guilt i am sure much of it will stay with me until my end days.
I have always been very conscious of empathy. It has completely consumed me at times. I cry for those suffering and I will stand and fight- no matter what lies before me- for these souls. I do not eat meat as every bite is like eating my own children. I stand up for my friends and my family. I don't care what is said about me when i am defending those i care for. It is strange though as I don't do this for myself.
Time and time again i let myself be hurt, used, abused and destroyed. I have been torn down and told I am worthless. I have stood in place and let this happen time and time again. I should know better of it by now, at 29 i should know that their words don't matter. I guess I feel that, due to looking the way i do, due to the fact that I am different, i am worthy of this hate.
This morning i opened my emails to be confronted with yet another attack on my character. It deeply affected me. I spend all my time trying to show people I am a generous, kind person. I want so desperately for people to see the true me, not the outer "strangeness". I care so much about my morals and my empathy that when my character is attacked- either through my parenting skills or my appearance or my past decisions or just complete lies and rumours- it tears my insides and makes me feel physically sick for days.
I always hold these words said by others deep inside. They churn around day in and day out. I wish i could expel them and move on but the truth is on some level i believe they have reason to be true.
So I close all my curtains and my front door. lock everything and sit and ponder. Ponder who i am and should i really be here? what am i offering?
Then photography finds me again and pulls me back from the guilt. It has formed a mutual trust- something i find very hard to feel- something i only possess for a handful of people. It makes me realise I do have something to offer, something that makes people smile, something that I can connect emotionally to and something that draws others in also.
I know this isn't your usual blog post and i am sorry for that. I just needed to try and expel some of this hurt.
Tomorrow I will photograph my perfect world again and be happy but until then i shall sit with my curtains closed and ponder.
Krystle <3
No comments:
Post a Comment